Thoughts from the night I made the decision to start a blog…
I came up with the idea to start a blog. I have no clue where to start, so for now I’m just typing in a Word document. I will eventually just copy this into a blog, but for now this will help me think. First I’d like to explain my thoughts on this blog. I don’t have a lot of confidence in who I am as a human being. I have always struggled with feeling out of place and unaccepted. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and I love them dearly, it’s just I’ve never felt like I can just be myself without being judged. Maybe that’s because of the house I grew up in, maybe it’s because I try too hard to please everyone, and maybe everyone feels this way. And I’ve always been told that I’m one of those people that “everyone likes”. I know in general most people like me, I’m kind, generous, would help anyone with anything, and I really do like helping people succeed. However I also feel that I have never really found who I am and let everyone see that person. I have allowed people and experiences to mold me throughout my life and I want that to change. I want to be who I am meant to be. I want confidence, courage, and openness. I want to be me. And I want people to know who I am. I want to become the best version of me, and to do that I need to start with things I need to improve.
In essence, what I want this blog to be is a way for me to find ground zero. I want to start with putting my thoughts out there, because for me, it is easier to be judged by those I don’t know. One day I hope to show this to people who know me, accept me for who I am and understand that people can change, and everyone has a past. While mine may not be as bad as some, it is still my story and one day I hope I will look back and be able to say that I have used everything bad in my life and turned it into good. I want to be someone that takes care of themselves and can be depended on. I want to be able to give good advice and be someone with good character.
To do that I must admit where I am right now. Right now I feel like I am lost. Like I’m a lone person in a crowded world. Like I am a hypocrite and a doormat. I am emotional. I allow people to hurt me too much, overthink everything and am always wondering what people really think of me. At work, I actually don’t mind my job, but I don’t feel that I do it to the best of my ability, and I don’t know how to improve my quality of work. I get in trouble for not knowing how to do things I Was trained to do once, over three years ago, and am now expected to remember the first time I actually need the knowledge on the job. I get in trouble for things other people do wrong, and I feel I’m expected to supervise although I didn’t promote to supervisor because I didn’t want to, and I don’t get paid for that.
I’m divorced, have a kid, and live with my parents. I feel unwanted, I feel like a failure, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. If I do anything unsatisfactory I get “talked to” or yelled at. I feel like everyone thinks I’m a terrible mother, that I’m not good for anything, and that I’m an inconvenience. I don’t have my life in order and I desperately want it to be. I used to have high standards, now I feel like they are slipping. I used to have a strong relationship with God/Jesus. Now, I just feel like I’ve disappointed him and I don’t even try anymore. I do things I know I shouldn’t be doing, but I’m making the choice to do it anyways because I feel like I tried to do all the right things before and failed, so why bother now. I’m not doing anything horrendous by any means, just basically doing thing I never would have dreamed of doing several years ago. For example, I recently started talking to this guy. We seem to have a lot in common, but also we’re pretty different. While it’s fairly common for people to sleep together and stay over at each other’s place even in the beginning of a relationship, it’s something I never would have done before, but right now I’m comfortable with it and that’s what I’m doing. We’ve talked about things as far as what each of us wants in life and I see this as possibly going somewhere, but I have no clue how he sees it, and I’m too afraid to ask. Like to him are we just sleeping together? But can that really be true? Because he’s always wanting to know more about me. Does he want more out of the relationship? I know he’s attracted to me, but what does he like about me? Is he at all intimidated by any part of me? Is there anything he doesn’t like about me? The emotional? The questioning? The intelligence? The weird? The nerdy? The horsewoman? He likes to be the one in charge, and I like that in a guy, but I also don’t like being told what to do. He has his rules and expects them to be followed without questions, am I ok with that? I think I am, but at the same time, what if I’m not ok with that? And as much as I hate being told WHAT to do, I really like to be told what you want me to do. Is that strange? Is it really any different than being told what to do? How do I explain that to him? And also if there are decisions that need to be made together will he just make those decisions, or will he discuss them with me?
There are so many thoughts that run through my mind that I’d like to share, but it is late, and I am sure I will have these thoughts again some other time to be able to discuss them later. Right now it is late, and I need to go to bed so I can wake up in time to drop my kid off to my ex. Then it will be a busy day for me, going to the RenFest tomorrow.