A New Adventure

Thoughts from the night I made the decision to start a blog…

10-6-17

I came up with the idea to start a blog. I have no clue where to start, so for now I’m just typing in a Word document. I will eventually just copy this into a blog, but for now this will help me think. First I’d like to explain my thoughts on this blog. I don’t have a lot of confidence in who I am as a human being. I have always struggled with feeling out of place and unaccepted. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and I love them dearly, it’s just I’ve never felt like I can just be myself without being judged. Maybe that’s because of the house I grew up in, maybe it’s because I try too hard to please everyone, and maybe everyone feels this way. And I’ve always been told that I’m one of those people that “everyone likes”. I know in general most people like me, I’m kind, generous, would help anyone with anything, and I really do like helping people succeed. However I also feel that I have never really found who I am and let everyone see that person. I have allowed people and experiences to mold me throughout my life and I want that to change. I want to be who I am meant to be. I want confidence, courage, and openness. I want to be me. And I want people to know who I am. I want to become the best version of me, and to do that I need to start with things I need to improve.

In essence, what I want this blog to be is a way for me to find ground zero. I want to start with putting my thoughts out there, because for me, it is easier to be judged by those I don’t know. One day I hope to show this to people who know me, accept me for who I am and understand that people can change, and everyone has a past. While mine may not be as bad as some, it is still my story and one day I hope I will look back and be able to say that I have used everything bad in my life and turned it into good. I want to be someone that takes care of themselves and can be depended on. I want to be able to give good advice and be someone with good character.

To do that I must admit where I am right now. Right now I feel like I am lost. Like I’m a lone person in a crowded world. Like I am a hypocrite and a doormat. I am emotional. I allow people to hurt me too much, overthink everything and am always wondering what people really think of me. At work, I actually don’t mind my job, but I don’t feel that I do it to the best of my ability, and I don’t know how to improve my quality of work. I get in trouble for not knowing how to do things I Was trained to do once, over three years ago, and am now expected to remember the first time I actually need the knowledge on the job. I get in trouble for things other people do wrong, and I feel I’m expected to supervise although I didn’t promote to supervisor because I didn’t want to, and I don’t get paid for that.

I’m divorced, have a kid, and live with my parents. I feel unwanted, I feel like a failure, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. If I do anything unsatisfactory I get “talked to” or yelled at. I feel like everyone thinks I’m a terrible mother, that I’m not good for anything, and that I’m an inconvenience. I don’t have my life in order and I desperately want it to be. I used to have high standards, now I feel like they are slipping. I used to have a strong relationship with God/Jesus. Now, I just feel like I’ve disappointed him and I don’t even try anymore. I do things I know I shouldn’t be doing, but I’m making the choice to do it anyways because I feel like I tried to do all the right things before and failed, so why bother now. I’m not doing anything horrendous by any means, just basically doing thing I never would have dreamed of doing several years ago. For example, I recently started talking to this guy. We seem to have a lot in common, but also we’re pretty different. While it’s fairly common for people to sleep together and stay over at each other’s place even in the beginning of a relationship, it’s something I never would have done before, but right now I’m comfortable with it and that’s what I’m doing. We’ve talked about things as far as what each of us wants in life and I see this as possibly going somewhere, but I have no clue how he sees it, and I’m too afraid to ask. Like to him are we just sleeping together? But can that really be true? Because he’s always wanting to know more about me. Does he want more out of the relationship? I know he’s attracted to me, but what does he like about me? Is he at all intimidated by any part of me? Is there anything he doesn’t like about me? The emotional? The questioning? The intelligence? The weird? The nerdy? The horsewoman? He likes to be the one in charge, and I like that in a guy, but I also don’t like being told what to do. He has his rules and expects them to be followed without questions, am I ok with that? I think I am, but at the same time, what if I’m not ok with that? And as much as I hate being told WHAT to do, I really like to be told what you want me to do. Is that strange? Is it really any different than being told what to do? How do I explain that to him? And also if there are decisions that need to be made together will he just make those decisions, or will he discuss them with me?

There are so many thoughts that run through my mind that I’d like to share, but it is late, and I am sure I will have these thoughts again some other time to be able to discuss them later. Right now it is late, and I need to go to bed so I can wake up in time to drop my kid off to my ex. Then it will be a busy day for me, going to the RenFest tomorrow.

Advertisements
Featured post

The Enemy

The saying “You are your own worst enemy” is ringing so true for me this week. The thoughts in my head, the lack of motivation. The pushing through just because I have to. I want to be someone who makes a difference, but how can I make a difference when I’m fighting such a battle within? I’ve never told anyone the thoughts that I have. Not my friends, not my dog, not a horse and for damn sure not anyone in my family. I haven’t even told a stranger or professional.

I don’t know why, and maybe I should, I’m sure I won’t. Perhaps it has to do with the feeling of always being judged. I have enough problems as it is. I feel like everyone is watching and everyone is judging. I feel like no one loves me just for who I am. They see all this “Potential” and won’t meet me where I’m at. They “only want what’s best for me” yet do they really know? Every time they come at me with those offending words, telling me what I ought to do and that I shouldn’t so that. I’m a grown ass woman, let me live my life. You have no control over me, try as you might. No control, but what I give them and my memories. I’m such a disappointment and have been all my life. I never have been good enough for you just to say you love me just the way I am. you want me to do this and never to do that. You judge me for my actions when I feel no shame, unless you are with me telling me it’s not acceptable, even though I’m happy just the way I am.

I like to dance in the house and in the yard. I dance in the street and even in the store. I don’t believe that you should tell me that I can’t. The music is within me and it makes me happy. I know that I’m no good at dancing but I like to move my body and imagine that I am. Maybe it’s not normal, but it sure as hell is me. I’m different and I’m crazy and I really am unique. Someone out there someday will love me as I am. At least that’s what I tell myself as I struggle through each day. Some days I am great and others no one knows the difference as I struggle through the day every hour, every minute, every interaction, just fighting back the tears.

And even then still others, it took so much out of me just to show up at work. I just want to go back home and crawl into my bed. Because while I’m there no one can hurt me beside myself. I’m grump and I’m moody and you better watch out, because if you piss me off I will show you how I feel. I don’t like the way I am when I feel this way. When I’m feeling vulnerable I push everyone away. I scream and yell and throw a fit and say things I don’t mean. I know it hurts just the same, so I try to be alone. Really what I want to do is cuddle with someone close and cry within their arms, but alas I’m all grown up and no one will do that. Utter a single word or tell me what to do and you’ll push ne deeper into that dark abyss. I’ll think that I’m unworthy and unlovable because that’s how I feel about myself. My deepest, darkest secret is that I don’t love myself.

Some say that if you can’t love yourself first then you cannot truly love another. This I don’t find to be correct. I love hard, and I love deeply, passionately too. I find there’s good in everyone no matter how deep they try to bury it, that doesn’t mean it’s gone. Their wall is there for a reason even if they won’t admit it. Some are better at hiding it than me, and those I really do commend. How I’d love to be able to pretend I just don’t care. That I’m mean and that I’m tough, I just can’t seem to pull it off. I do well for quite some time then I start feeling worse and my emotions I can’t control any longer and I burst. I yell and then I cry. I hate myself for doing it, each and every time.

Quotepic

Less than Ideal

Me “How are you?”
Him: “Ok. You?”
Me: “Less than ideal”
Him: “Why?”
Me: “I don’t know”
Him: “WTF. /why say that then give a dumbass answer like IDK when asked why?”

My answer back was to say that in this case never mind, I’m good. The real answer, however, lies within my brain wanting to come out. Will I ever tell him? Probably not. Why am I “less than ideal” on this particular day? It’s a reason I can’t really explain to anyone I know. I feel fine, physically, for the most part. Still a lot of mucus buildup making it hard to breathe and a sense of exhaustion that I just can’t kick. But really “less than ideal” is an emotional state. It means I feel like a failure, it means I feel like no one cares, like no one really wants to know. It means I wonder if anyone would notice if I just disappeared. Would anyone care, would anyone know? I just want to go home and go to bed and cry. But I don’t and I won’t. I know that would be detrimental to give into these feelings, So I ignore this conversation that I got myself into. Why did I open my mouth? Why did I start a conversation I knew I couldn’t finish? Because I want to trust you and I Want to talk about it, but I just can’t. Not right now, I don’t believe you’d understand, so I won’t even try. No one really knows it, because I’m a fairly open person, but there are things that no one knows and I doubt anyone ever will. Deep dark thoughts I will not tell, not a soul will know.

I feel like I am worthless and make so many mistakes. I feel like I don’t deserve to have anyone really care. I don’t think anyone is ok with who I am right now. Everyone is looking and everyone is judging, no one likes quite what they see. I’m crazy and I’m harebrained, I forget everything. I spill things and I break things everywhere I go. I do things and then I realize that’s not a good idea. I make mistakes and do things wrong time and time again. I don’t like feeling stupid, maybe because I believe I am. I’m judgmental and I’m bitchy, and I don’t like others to make mistakes. I expect perfection everywhere I go. I’m more forgiving of others, than I am of myself, which isn’t saying much. I get so emotional and then I start to cry. I’ve been working hard not to let anybody see. You say that it’s ok if I cry in front of you, but I still don’t want to. I’ve been working hard to keep this to myself, but I’m really quite afraid that if I share that everyone will see. I do this to protect myself from anyone around me. All my life I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive, so now when I feel the tears welling up inside I take a very deep, relaxing breath. Then I smile, narrow my eye and put on my prickly porcupine costume. I get angry and loud and tell everyone to get out of my way with my attitude. But deep down inside I just want someone to see that I’m sensitive and hurt and broken as I push everyone away. It’s never done me any good to let someone see how I really feel so I hide it desperately.

I fight the desire to quit my job and lay in bed doing nothing at all. I want to cry and cry for days but it would do no good. Instead I plaster on a smile and meet a friend to ride, this will make it not so bad as it could be if I didn’t go. I don’t know if its the horses or the exercise. But I don’t feel quite so bad after a ride. Thank you for being my motivation to keep on going so I don’t give up. Many times I’ve pondered and thought of giving up. Just quitting my job and moving and really starting fresh. I can’t do this however, because of my Turtle needing a safe and steady income so he can live a life with a bit of stability. And if I really did that my ex might be able to take away my little Turtle man so I’d have less motivation to keep moving every day. I will not let that happen so I resolve another day, to keep my feelings to myself and not let them slip away. I will keep them tucked way deep inside for only me to know. No one else can know the struggle that I feel each and every day, some days are much better than how I’ve felt this week. Many days,  in fact, I feel quite alright, but when I start to struggle I want to open up. I’ll never let myself do this because no one would understand. And no I’m not suicidal I don’t want my life to end. I just want to find a place where I might actually belong. A place that I won’t feel a need to be so much more than I am and a place I can afford.

It’s the dream of dreams that I don’t have to work. I want too much, I’m not happy where I’m at. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why do I feel like I’m being held back by fear and apprehension? I feel I have all this potential but don’t know how to access it. I know that I can do it, but I think that I will fail. What is holding me back? If I never jump I know I’ll never fly. But I also will not fall. is it so bad to fail at life that I can’t even try? I want to and I dare to, until it’s time to take the plunge, then I back and seize up, I cant make myself go forward and I take six steps back. Some day I’ll really do it and then I’ll show them all. I may not be perfect, but perfection isn’t what it’s all about.

A Day in the Life…

Well since I was late to bed and early to rise I thought there would be no better time to write a bit. I’ll tell you a bit about my day yesterday…I got up, hooked up the truck and trailer, got things ready for the trip to the dentist, equine not mine. The trailer is halfway down the driveway, and naturally, me being me forgot to put the car seat in before driving the truck down. So after a nice stroll to go get the seat, I put it in the truck. Then we messaged a friend, made sure she was on the way, and found some clothes to wear. For me it was a pair of jeans and a T-Shirt I pulled out of a basket of clothes I need to put away. Once we got that all done, I noticed my sister had sat Turtle down for his breakfast! Thank God aunts! I felt like I was running behind at this point. Why? I have no idea, except that I had said for the friend to be there by 8:15 am and it was that time already! Not that I was ready to go, but I like punctuality and always have a burning desire to be ready to leave 15 minutes early and be ready 15 minutes before that.

About the time my friend (We’ll call her Lou) shows up I’m changing Turtle’s diaper and getting him dressed. I put my jeans on track down a pair of socks (always looking for socks…they just disappear) and throw on some tennis shoes. I grab the wipes, a couple of banana, cups for Turtle, and some Vanilla wafers and throw them in Turtle’s backpack. I grab the bag and ask Lou to grab horses from the pen while I buckle Turtle in. I get him strapped in about the time she comes up with the horses. I ask her to load the gelding, to give her some practice. doesn’t workout for her on the first try so I send him in. She then loads the mare, and off we go!

On the way up we talked horses (of course!), trucks, and life. we talked about mutual friends and what they were up to lately, some of which we’re very proud of, and a couple of which we are hoping will figure out how to deal with life in more self-fulfilling ways. We talked about classes that Lou will be taking this semester, nothing horsey this time around…and whether or not she’d be able to bring her new saddle (I hope she can, that way she can begin to break it in a bit better) and have room for it. We talked about trucks, towing capacities and prices. We talked about money and what we would like. We watched for the horse properties and which ones we might like similar properties to some day. Then it starts taking us a different way than I went the last time…not that the GPS did me any good that time, just telling me to turn off the middle of the turnpike. So we figure out where we’re going, talk about the improvements in the GPS technology in the last few years, and then arrive at the dentist!

We unload the mare first, because she does stupid things in the trailer. Get the gelding out and go to see the doctor. The mare is the first patient, so we hand her over, I get kiddo out of the truck, get back to an already dozing mare. She gets a clean bill of health from her tooth extraction last month and needs to be seen in another 8 months. We put her in a stall to sleep it off and then hand over the TB gelding. He gets nervous once we hand him over and doesn’t like the sleepy meds. Once he’s in the shoot and we get a look at his mouth, he isn’t too bad. Had a couple of teeth starting to die, but he’s 19. She suggested a senior feed for easier digestion, so we might look into that. Since he doesn’t like the tools to even out his mouth he ends up getting a second dose of sedatives so she can finish up the front of his mouth and move to the back teeth. Overall, she stated he had good teeth for his age, just a few sharp points and areas to smooth out. Kiddo was playing in the water the whole time the gelding was being done, so while we let TB sleep it off we went and paid. Then Lou took turtle to see the baby horse while we walked around to wear off some of the drugs. Lou put kiddo in the truck while I loaded TB and then we got the mare in.

The GPS took us a completely different way than we used to get there, and TB was still pretty drunk, and since it was about 11:00 at this time we stopped for a quick meal. When we got back to the truck Lou told me she sat down at a table before I was done ordering and I thought she had gone to the bathroom because I didn’t see her. Apparently it should have been pretty hard to miss her…but that’s me for you. Our conversations about horses and equine nutrition continued and there are a few things I need to research again. I spent a lot of time thinking about wanting to start up school and see about getting some sort of a degree. Part of me thinks this will be a great idea, and part of me thinks I’ll fail miserably. But I guess the least I could do is try. So we got horses unloaded, settled in and trailer cleaned out then went to fill the truck up with gas. On the way to get gas, I noticed I didn’t have my phone…

So we ended up looking for my phone for a couple of hours. Not that we found it, I’m assuming I set it on the back of the truck and left it there when we went to get gas. Then I tried buying a new phone online, but for some reason they wouldn’t let me do the payment plan, then the site claimed my bank declined the transaction when I tried to purchase it outright with a couple of different cards…so I have no idea how I’m going to get a phone, and I feel like an idiot for losing it, but I also have over $1000 available on each of my credit cards and I don’t pay interest so I’m not sure why it declined a $300 purchase. But I can’t call like it says to, because I don’t have a phone. So now I’m stuck in this stupid loophole, and I don’t know how to get a phone at this point.

The Money Tree

Right now my life seems to be boiling down to one thing…you guessed it. Money. Every time I think about how much something costs I can only wonder “how much overtime do I need?” I don’t want to work overtime, wish I didn’t need to. I want to have more free time, but I’ve got things I need to buy first. I need to buy materials and build a fence, barn, and arena. I need to get more hay for the year. Tack would be useful…but at this point is unnecessary. House needs to be bought and horses moved home. Would love to have more horses, and start a lesson program, but of course…money is an issue. Not that everyone doesn’t already complain that I’m not allowed to “teach lessons” at the boarding facility. But I don’t get paid…so it’s not a lesson. It’s just a kid on my horse that wants to do this sport, and I want her to be safe and do it right on my horse.

Money is needed for food, money is needed for gifts. I need to build my savings and invest some of my money. I need to fix up the house, get my parents into their camper and get someone to rent out another room. I’m going to need help paying for this place at first and need to start getting on my budget so I can stay on track and pay the bills. But then I always end up having to help others out financially. I’ve finally started telling people I don’t have the money and I need to get paid for things I was told I’d be paid for.  Need to get a boarding contract with my own family members to get paid for keeping their horses…ugh! One day though, I will be living the dream. I don’t know how, but I’m going to need to be making more money. This house is going to be on a 30 year loan and I hate how tight it’s going to make my budget, but I’m hoping I can get back on track and pay it off sooner than originally planned. I hope beyond all hopes that I can get a lower loan price and I REALLY hope my credit score increases to possibly be able to make 3+ extra payments per year. I’ve GOT to. I hate having loans so much! And I’m also going to need to save money so I can have an emergency fund again.

I need to make a budget and have a plan and then stick to it like glue. I used to be so good at this and I will be again here soon. I’ve just got to get it going then not let anything distract me from it. Maybe I’ll get another good tax return this year If I do I’ll use that to kickstart my savings and investments, but that’s several months from now…

Thinking Bomb

My thinking game is really strange, and this I really know. Some days are fine and I’m happy and others I am not. Most of the time I find myself struggling with my thoughts. I’ve said before, and will say again, I appear to be a happy person, but really I am not. I struggle with my self-confidence in every area of my life. I know I should eat right and exercise to boot…but I really don’t have time with everything I do. I don’t like the way I look I think I’m ugly and I’m fat. I find it hard to exercise, especially when I hurt. And I’m always overthinking every aspect of my life, I’m always worrying about things unimportant…with this constant fight. I feel like I’m not good enough, but I also know my worth. It’s like I’m two people, fighting in my mind. The nice one, and the mean one both trying to survive. I know what I need to do, but I can’t make it work! I hate this deep, dark feeling, of fighting with myself.

I love to ride my horses, but I can’t find the time. I would like to read my books, but I’m too busy doing this and that. My cooking is non-existent,  and I used to love that so, but I’ve other things to do! What am I doing with this time? worrying and overthinking every aspect of my life. I need to make a schedule and get my life on track, when I keep myself focused on the present I cannot overthink the past, nor worry what’s to come. I can only show what I’m working towards. The problem is right now I am so worried that I can’t make up my mind. what do I want and what do I really need. How do I get over there from where I stand right now? Part of the problem is money…I’m not being as good as I should. I used to save and save and save, now money have I none. Even when I budget I cannot stay on track, what has happened now with that? I used to be so good, I’d budget and just like that…there’s money here and money there and even extra way up over yonder. Now when I try I wonder how will it ever work? This is nothing new, but I used to have this knack. I need to get back on it and I need to work some more.

I want to get back on track and find my happy balance that I used to have. I need to look and find some kids to babysit for me. My kiddo’s getting bigger and I need to work some nights. I need to make a bit of extra money to provide him what he needs. I would like to go to school and become what I want to be. What’s holding me back? I have no money and no time to get where I need to be. Other in my situation manage so much better, why am I struggling? I fight each day to stay awake and each night to sleep. I wish I had someone to help me out. But right now I feel I have no one to help. As much as I help everyone I can’t ask for help myself. Even when I do, I feel that I’m inconveniencing all of them. I spend my time helping others, but now it’s time to help myself. I’m sorry if that’s selfish but it’s what I need to do. I’m sorry that you’re shallow and only want my help, but when I ask a favor only crickets can be found. I’ve one good friend that helps me out and forever I’ll be grateful. She’s always there when I ask, but alas she’s got to leave. I hope that she learns better than I have, that sometimes being selfish is the kindest thing to do. If you can’t help you, you can’t help me and that’s just all there is. Take care of yourself before you help your friends. It might seem wrong, it might seem bad, but really it is not. I know that now, but I cannot stop, for it’s ingrained in me. Forever doing favors and putting off these things that I must get done.

My Turtle Bug is growing and all I want to do, is keep him bottled up just so he cannot grow. He’s moving and he’s learning, He’s a big boy now, I know. But where is my baby, that I used to hold. I want more time with him, but I don’t want him to know the struggles going through my mind. I want so bad to make him happy, way down deep inside. But every time I see him grow in his personality I’m reminded how he’s just like me. Emotional and sensitive to everything around. I want to protect him from the world around. But I know that this will hinder him when he’s up and grown. So independence is our theme as we grow happily. I mold him and I guide him, yet I let him know: his feelings are his own. I know right now he is too young to understand, but one day soon I’ll be talking to a man. My Turtle Bug is just a boy but he will learn, he can be a gentleman without conflicting with his independent streak. I strive to help him find the balance of being the best that he can be.

It always happens just like this, everything is going good, then one thing just goes wrong. Then we have the domino effect where everything falls and sprawls and plans just go flying. My finances were so nearly caught up now vet bills rolling in. The hay will be expensive as dry as it’s been these last few years the grass just will not grow it needs to rain so bad. I think my car needs fixed, tires look like they’re getting to that point, and goodness it’s almost time again, insurance, tags and taxes time to pay the bills. And I need to buy a house…but a struggle it will be. Seven set of income, that’s where I’m trying to get. I need to get some money flowing in the struggle is so real. I need to have some money to get started in this venture, but I’m still catching up…this raise was nice, but overtime I need. I would like to take a vacation, I need a break from work but the waiting game has just begun, then I’ll get a reprieve. I’d love to win the lotto…if only I did play. Seven sets of income…is quite a goal to make. I’m getting there and nearly there at 5 right now I think. Just one more year and I’ll have six, my savings I’ll invest. But even with this going…I’ll barely pay the bills.

I love myself, I hate myself, I don’t really know. I know that I’m annoying, though I don’t try to be. I’m insecure and clingy though I try my best to hide it so the world cannot see. I’m moody and I’m bitchy, especially when I cannot sleep, jut like lately. I struggle with relationships of every type and importance. I’m always trying to figure out what others want from me. I do not like to tell them how I feel, I prefer to do what they want most of the time as long as they don’t demand. I know it’s weird, you can’t have both, but both is what I want. I’m flexible to do what you want, as long as it’s not to change who I am. I struggle with this by warring with myself, please leave me alone and just tell me what you want. I’ll say yes, or maybe no depending how I feel. Again I sit here wondering, maybe a doctor I need to see. I’m wondering if I’m depressed or possibly bipolar. Because when I’m good, I’m great, but when I’m not it’s bad. I’m moody and I’m grumpy and I just want to fight. Not because I want to fight, but because I hurt. I Try so hard and seem to fail at everything in life.  I know it’s wrong to be mad at you I know it’s not your fault. But I’m moody and I’m grumpy because each time I look something else is going wrong. But alas now something just went right! Will the trend continue or will the struggle ensue again?

Overthinking at it’s Finest

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I don’t really think that’s always a good thing for me. Why? you might ask, or maybe you already know…there’s a certain kind of person that has a deep, dark secret that one really knows. They’ll hide it from the world, thinking that if they don’t tell, maybe it won’t show. It’s nothing bad, or criminal, but we hold the weight of the world on our shoulders so we won’t be a burden, because you have issues worse than ours, so how can we complain? I feel so immature for having thoughts like these, but really I can’t help it, it’s who I’ll always be. Every time I think I’ve gained control of my mind, thoughts pop up like these: I can find the good in everyone and everything; unless it’s about me. I feel there’s something wrong with me that people want or fix, or just that they don’t like. I feel like they are judging me, and no matter what I do I never will be good enough for them. And although this may be true, it really shouldn’t matter what others think of you. I know this in my head, but I just can’t convince my heart and it’s tearing me apart.

I know that I’m not the best at my job, I’m reminded each time I make a mistake.  I already know I did it wrong and I’ll beat myself up more than you’ll ever know. So why punish me further than anyone else who’s made the same mistake? I know that you’re lying, with your lame excuse. I know that I’m not good enough, and I know you think I suck. The funny thing is think it as you may, you’ll never know it’s true, even though I do.  I know deep down in my heart and in my very being, this is not the job for me. As soon as I can find a way, I’ll be out of here like lightening striking through the sky, and you’ll be glad to see me go.  You tell me that I’m not bad at this job, but just review my file and it will reveal the truth. There’s nothing good in there, just all of my mistakes. I come to work each day and try to do my best, but as I go home I only feel defeat.

You think I’m hyper-sensitive and emotional as can be, but what you do not know is that it’s worse than you can see. My emotions run as quick as they run deep. There’s no need to yell at me. Your worst insults and degrading remarks have been said to me before. But what you do not know, and will not know is they’ve all been said by me. You’ll never be as mean to me, as I’ve been to myself. You only can confirm the facts I know about myself, and that’s why I’m upset. I try to hide it and really do a better job than some might think. “Fake it ’til you make it” is the motto that I keep. But deep down I’ll always wonder if I’ll make it, or if I’ll fake it until I’m dead. Because honestly it’s not this place that makes me  doubt, it’s actually at home.

At home I just wish someone would love me just for me. I know that I’m not worthy of any love that I receive. I strive to let my Turtle Bug be who he wants to be. I know what it’s like to be told that you’re not good enough. “Look at what your sister does, why can’t you be like her?” She’s not me and I’m not her, I want to do my own thing. And the more you push for me to do these things the less I want to do them, even just for me. All my life we’ve been compared and I don’t care to be like her. You may mean well, but why can’t I just do me? “Is it because I’m not good enough?” I’ll ask myself again. Is there something wrong with me? Why must I be like her? I don’t want to be, she can be nasty and she’s mean. Just because you like her more doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough, it just mean that I’m not your cup of tea. As much as I’d like to be just what someone needs, I fear that will never be, because even I don’t like me.

As I sit here and I think about who I am, who I was, and who I thought I’d be…who I was is who I now strive to be. I was a loving caring soul who just wanted to be a wife and to be a mom. I was trusting, I was loyal, and I could always find the good (no matter who you were). All others may have hated you, but I could see through that, just another hurting soul, just like the rest of us. You have your demons, and I have mine,  I can only control myself. I was a mom and a wife, but that dream was just a dream, not what was meant to be, He never wanted me, he told me this himself. And I can see this now, as I see all he did to me. And perhaps he thought he could, if he really tried, but that’s not really how it works. I feel sorry for him some days, as he doesn’t know his faults. Although you may tell him, he say it’s not his fault. Always blaming others for his own mistakes, there are many out there like that. They have themselves convinced. They make no mistakes.

As I sit here pondering, I wonder if I’m really right or if I’ve got it all wrong. But why am I so hard on myself, if there is no cause? But am I as terrible as I think? Maybe I’m not as trusting as I used to be, but maybe that’s not bad. I’m know that I’m too honest, and will always tell the truth about myself. I’ll tell a perfect stranger things most wouldn’t even tell a friend. I really don’t understand why people feel the need to be perfect to a “t”. They’ll do anything to protect their perfect image, as shallow as that is. Even though we all know they struggle just like us.

Why is there so much pressure from society to be this perfect person that you could never be? Why can’t you just do you, while I just do me? No one is perfect, and no two can be the same, that’s what makes us unique. We each have our own individual personality, each having its own faults just like it has it’s strengths. No one is perfect all the time, no one is always right. Why can’t you just accept me for who I am today? I’m working and I’m striving to be that best that I can be.  I don’t need your pressures, I have enough of mine. I don’t need to be perfect in your eyes, so quit telling me how I need to change. I will do that when I’m ready, not because you’re telling me I should. You should work on you as I work on me and each just do our best. I’ll help you and you’ll help me, but only if we’re asked. And when we give opinions we should consider the possibility of agreeing to disagree, because just as I’m not you, you’re not me so me may politely disagree.

Who am I, Really?

Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing…who I am. If I am loved, for who I am, unconditionally loved. When I think these things they are without fail followed by a multitude of questions flowing through my mind. Do I deserve to be loved? Am I even a good person? Am I sure? “Sure of what?” you might ask. Of anything, I suppose. Is there something wrong with me? You know, like abnormal…Do I have just one personality? Do I have anxiety? Am I Bi-Polar? Am I just depressed? Do I even want to know? Or am I just a normal female, experiencing normal emotions? But how can this just be normal? I just want to cry myself to sleep some nights. Some nights I just want someone to cuddle with me, some nights I just want someone to be there. But I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone that. I can’t seem to tell anyone how I really feel about me. They always want to know more, and sometimes I just can’t explain it. Sometimes I wish my mouth could just say my thoughts without filtering through my brain first so I won’t have the chance to be afraid they might not like what I have to say. Why do I even CARE?
Tonight I feel like maybe I’m a terrible, selfish person. I want someone to be close to me, but at the same time I can feel myself pushing everyone away. I just want someone to notice that I’m over here, drowning on dry land. But at the same time I don’t want anyone to know. Because “I’ve got this” and “I don’t need anyone to help” and “I will survive”. My problems really aren’t that big. It’s not worth bugging anyone. They all have their own things they have to worry about. After all, I know I really will be ok, eventually. So, I hold myself together every day. Maybe not as well as I should, but I really do my best. I try to be the best that I can be at everything. Although I know that I will fail, but I’ll always take it personally when I do. As much as I help others, and tell them mistakes aren’t really failing, it’s just learning as you go, I really do believe it, as long as it’s not me. But anytime I fall short of the unrealistic expectations I place upon myself, I really just blame myself. I feel that I’m a failure at everything I do, so sometimes I don’t even try. Even that makes me feel like I’m a failure, so eventually I’ll try again. When I try I do my best, and when no one notices, I fear that maybe I’m just average, and that’s always what I’ll be, and just as I come to this conclusion, someone comes to point out all my flaws. I already know these, and hoping no one else will see, that maybe I’m not even average, maybe my best isn’t even that. Even when I’m at my best, I’ll always have my flaws. I hope that no one sees them, even though I know they will. I couldn’t even tell you what they are, but I know that they are there. Sometimes I feel like my flaws define who I am. That I’m just a deep, dark soul who just puts on a façade. Which one am I, really? Or am I really both? For when I am happy, and enjoy myself, I don’t feel that it is fake. I just don’t understand how some days I really hate myself and others I think that I am great.
Deep down I feel or hope (Don’t know which right now) that I really am a decent human being. I love to help others and will do so with the risk of losing out myself. If you need a helping hand, a friend who listens, or someone who’s just there. I’m always at the ready, willing to set aside my own problems, just to help you out with yours. I love to make people happy, even at great cost to me. I like to watch people learn and grow. I want to see everyone succeed, even if it means I don’t. I feel that life is hard, and everyone should get a fighting chance. That sometimes we make mistakes, but that we can also learn from them and move on to do great things. But there are other times, like if you just don’t care, that I think that you should get exactly what you deserve. I feel that if you won’t listen to advice and learn to do what’s right, that you obviously don’t need help and can figure it out yourself. Maybe it’s mean, but tough love is a thing, and there are some that need it to learn they’re not immune to life, just because they’re them.
I used to love people, all people, anyone, really. But he older I get the more I feel that people are just hateful, and they just want to be mean. But I don’t know if this is true, or only how I see them. Maybe they’re hurting deep inside and don’t want anyone to see. Maybe they’re really just like me. But even then, sometimes I just don’t care. When I was I kid I loved everyone I met, I didn’t know a single person that I could not find some good. However, as I age I find myself viewing everyone more warily, although I’ll give them a chance, I’m quick to take away my trust and leave them in the dust. Child me would never dream that I’d ever hate anyone, but I can tell you that I do. I used to tell people that hate is a very strong word. Now, as it’s said to me, all that I can say is “I know, and it doesn’t change a thing”. I never thought I’d be like this, thinking only bad things about someone that I know, but is it really me? Or was it really him? Why did I let him in? Why did I let him hurt me? Why couldn’t he be honest about who he really was? Why does it still bug me? Can I say I ever loved him, knowing who he is? I loved the idea of who he presented himself to be, but that was all a lie, as he clearly made me see. Why does it still hurt so much every time I think about those words he said to me? Is it because I know they were probably the most truthful thing he ever said to me? Or is it because deep inside I’ve wondered if that’s how everyone sees me. DO they really love me? And did they ever? Are they really lying? Do they really know themselves?
This really makes me wonder, am I doing what’s best for my baby? Do I even know? I feel, quite often, that I’m a terrible parent. But I really love my baby, and I want the best for him, I want him to be loved. His father told me that he didn’t want him and he never took it back. Even if he did, I don’t know that I’d believe him, the lying hypocrite. He lied to me and hurt me, and I don’t want the same for Turtle Bug. I want him to grow big and strong, knowing only love. But if his father tells him that he’s the reason that he lives, what will happen to my Turtle Bug when he decides to change his mind, as he often does? Why does it make me happy, to know my ex is pained? Why do I even care? I want him to live his life and leave mine alone. I want him to decide right now he doesn’t want this child. But I don’t know that he’ll make up his mind. I don’t think he even knows how to love. I think he thinks that he’s the best thing around, and that he will make everything better, even though he’ll only make it worse. But then I think, and think, and then I think some more. I think, maybe it’s just me…

A month Later

11-8-17
So as usual, I’m not great at doing something like this every day. I am currently working on cleaning up my bedroom and car, and need to do a lot of laundry. I decided to take a short break and update what is going on in my life. My horse’s bridle got misplaced or stolen right after my previous trainer used him in her last lesson being able to use him. On November 1st I moved my horse to a new facility and had my first jumping lesson with that trainer last night. There are a lot of things I don’t know how to do that I’m hoping I’ll learn this year. I not only plan on learning to jump and teach my horse, but I was also offered an opportunity to ride a horse that two trainers in the area really like, one of which is my old trainer I no longer get along with, and the other being the one I just started with. I am hoping to hit the local shows at 2’6” and hopefully be confident enough to go to an A rated show this year. Also working with my Mom’s mare and hoping to start her in the English show ring come March.
Also in March I will start having Friday/Saturday off and be able to have my kiddo on some weekends so that my parents can see him on their days off. I will also be able to hit the local shows without having to take vacation. I am working towards my goal of being able to pay my car off by the first of the year, and it’s looking more and more like that might just barely happen! Once that it done I’d like to save for a small truck that can pull my current 2-horse trailer. Eventually I’d like to upgrade, but for now a little 1500/F-150 will work unless I find an unpassable deal on a 2500/F-250. Also currently looking at a piece of land in Osage City with 14 Acres that I might buy to be able to keep my horse at. But I would most definitely need a truck to be able to haul him before I do that. Also will probably need to get some OT in to be able to afford to do that. If all goes well this winter I will be on the Exempt list for forced overtime so won’t have to be worried about unscheduled overtime. But I’m also thinking of getting another job if I can afford it.
I recently found out that my ex is/was engaged, that he didn’t tell her he has a porn addiction and that she found out through the premarital counseling that he does. I’m glad she found out that he keeps secrets before they got married, and I feel like I am a bad person for being super happy that she won’t marry him. He told my mom that he’s “lost everything” for a second time. I’m not really sure what he lost with me, seeing as he told me he didn’t want me, or our child, and that the day of our wedding in was in the back of his mind that he didn’t want to marry me. There was a lot of shit that I went through while we were married and he didn’t want to work through any of it, he just wanted to say that it was my fault. He thought he could control me and make me do what he wanted, but he couldn’t and it made him mad. I told him up front that I am not one that can just be bossed around and be told what to do. He didn’t believe me, and that was his choice. I’m still messed up from some of the crap he did. I’m working through it, but it’s going to take a while. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m happy just because she won’t marry him, or that what goes around has started to come around. He doesn’t realize that not telling someone something is pretty much the same as lying. I wonder if he bought her a ring or just gave her the same locket he gave me. That would be kind of sad, because he thinks that thing means so much to him, but it doesn’t if he keeps trying to give it away. And he lost nothing with me. He kept his land, his house, his truck, and the only money I got was a hell of a lot less than what I started the marriage with.
I’m still recovering financially nearly two years later. I started with no debt and $3,000 after paying for the wedding. I moved out in January on 2016 with $12,000 in debt and nothing in savings plus lawyer fees. By the time it was all said and done I had a newborn baby and hospital bills. He didn’t pay anything of the hospital bills and also didn’t pay any child support for the first six months. I feel like I came out on the raw end of that deal. If I didn’t absolutely have to I wouldn’t use the money he does send me. I am hoping that at some point I’ll be able to put it all back in a savings account for the boy to choose what he wants to do with it when he turns 18. I figured out the numbers and it will come to $128,500 by the time he turns 18. I don’t want his money, and I wish I didn’t need it at this point. Honestly some days I really wish he would have just committed suicide so that I wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit. But at the same time, I’m glad he didn’t…kind of. Right now I just hope he decides to drop off the face of the earth and doesn’t want to see his kid anymore. I can’t even bring myself to want him to figure out he’s a piece of shit and decide to change. I really, truly, and honesty cannot say that I hope that happens. I don’t want my son to have him for a father, but I honestly can’t change the past. I can only work on myself in the present and hope to make the future better for my kiddo.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑